Irrationalities

I realize that it has been several days since I made a post on here.  I also realize that I may be talking to myself!  Matter of fact, when I first started this blog thing, I was talking to myself.  It seems that I have found a handful of followers, so maybe now I can't be accused of being crazy and talking to myself.

Sorry.....tangent started and I didn't know how to get out of it until it just finished itself!

Anyway...yes, it has been several days since I have been here.  The funeral was as nice as any funeral is I guess.  Geez...what am I supposed to say about a funeral other than there was one and it was just that?!

I have irrational fears of funerals.  Now, I know a lot of people don't like attending funerals, but actually attending doesn't cause all out panic in me.  I knew before going to this funeral that there is one thing that causes all out panic in me and since attending this funeral, I now know there is another.

When my uncle died several years ago, I had the misfortune to witness the funeral director closing the lid of the casket and sealing it just before the service.  How could this be a problem?

Well, when the funeral home does their job by making the dearly departed look as though they are just sleeping, it tricks the mind into thinking just that.  However, we all know that convincing the heart is an entirely different matter.  Therefore, when this man closed the lid of the casket, sealing my uncle inside, I began crying and having trouble breathing.  I couldn't sleep for days and still have nightmares about this.

I was terrified that this would happen at Crazy Man's Aunt's funeral this past weekend.  Fortunately, it didn't.  The funeral home waited until everyone had filed past the casket one last time and then went outside to wait until it was loaded into the hearse.  The door was then closed to the building, and then the casket was closed.  

My new fear was realized the night before.  We had been at the visitation for nearly six hours before we were able to leave.  Once everyone was ready to go, they all just picked up their things and out the door we went.  Several members of the family went to the local Steak-N-Shake, including me and Crazy Man.  When we left, I had an odd feeling take over.  However, it didn't kick in until a couple hours later when we went back to get my car. 

When we got back to pick up my car (because Crazy Man made it in from his job just in time to meet us at the funeral home), I started to cry.  It took me a few minutes to realize what the problem was.  

I said before that everyone just picked up their stuff and left the funeral home.  That is what the problem was.  Everyone just left.  I can only explain it like this:  this woman had been alive for 59 years, a wife for 41 of those and a mom for nearly 40.  I seriously doubt that anyone in her life had just walked away from her without saying "good-bye" or "see ya later" or even "love ya".  Why should that night have been any different?  And yet it was.

I know...totally irrational. I admit it!  The mind knows, but the heart is not convinced.  And as long as I am admitting irrationalities when it comes to funerals, I also have to say that I have difficulty walking in a cemetery.  Most people just walk wherever they want to.  I have to walk several feet away from the front of the stone or directly behind the stone.  Why?  Because if I don't do it that way, I feel as though I am walking on the person buried there.  And that is wrong in many many ways.

Again, totally irrational.  Can't help it!  I am sure that there are others out there that have irrational thoughts and actions when it comes to funerals.  I can not possibly be the only one!

Moving on....

The DNA donor did manage to show up to get The Boy at the funeral home.  However, there was texting between The Boy and him.  How did that happen since I made The Boy leave his phone in the car?  Well, The Boy went out to get his phone and see if the DNA donor was there yet.  When he wasn't, they began to text back and forth.  The Boy was told to meet out at the car to be picked up.  There were no words from the DNA donor to me.  And I liked it that way!

The Boy did ok at the funeral home.  He stayed there for about 2 1/2 hours.  I think that is probably the first time that he really was in a funeral home for any real length of time.  I can not imagine how he will react when he has to be there for a lot longer plus for the funeral itself.  Especially when his mom will be a blubbering idiot. (Worse than she is now, I should clarify!)  There will be a time in the probably not so distant future when this will occur since my grandfather is in his 90s and my grandmother is in her 80s.  Now, mind you, I am not looking forward to this time because these two people mean more to me than I could ever explain.  But, I know in my mind that this will happen.  Again, another thing of trying to rationalize it all to the heart.

Today is only a half day at school/work.  We then don't have to be back until next Monday.  These days off could not have come soon enough.  I am just so tired.  Physically and emotionally. 

Don't see me becoming any less tired on these several days off though.  When we leave school today, I am headed home to start to make a couple of cheesecakes.  We will be going to two different places tomorrow for Thanksgiving and I will be taking a cheesecake and a sweet potato casserole to each place.  So, I have to get those things started today.  I will try to get pictures of them so I can post about how they turned out on here next week.  Keep your fingers crossed that they taste decent!